Mixamorphosis: 01

Before I go any further, my Just Giving page will remain open for a period and you can find out more or donate via my Just Giving page << HERE >>.

I've got to be honest, I never thought I'd get here. But here I am. 52 mixes, well a few "selections" in there, but the general point stands. 52 mixes. 64 hours 30 minutes and 24 seconds of music. 771 tracks. 601 different main artists. 90 remixers / editors (+ countless featuring musicians and artists) on 360 record labels. At the time of typing, a disappointing 4547 plays across Mixcloud and Soundcloud, and those are certainly not going to be full and completely engaged plays.

I want to place on record my heartfelt thanks to those who have supported my effort, whether by donating or sharing what I've been up to - you know who you are! As things stand, £360 + Gift Aid has been raised for Sue Ryder, which of course was the point and motivation behind this project. I could be wrong, but I suspect the donations have come from 8 people outwith my own household. I say that I could be wrong because several are anonymous donations, at least some of which I suspect have come from my other half because she knows this has been a difficult thing for me to do and won't like to see me feeling like a total failure in the things I do, but that is generally how I do feel. I think around £160+ Gift Aid has come from the kindness of others and for that I'm grateful, but of course wish for the sake of Sue Ryder it would have been far more, so suspect the remainder has been from my other half, and some from my own donations from selling some of my records.

I started this project with enthusiasm and put a lot of effort into trying to drum up interest and support. I shared my experience, wore my heart on my sleeve and put my cards on the table for all to see. I created an Instagram, which I was kicked off of in less than 3 months for "breaching" their terms; I can only assume it was from tagging artists and labels that featured each week.... Instagram didn't tell me of course. For some time I would tag artists and labels on Twitter which proved to be a waste of time too. The hope was that they'd perhaps share the mixes on their social media and therefore give me a chance of growing the interest organically. Sadly it didn't happen and my drive evaporated over time, particularly because in the early days of Twitter or Facebook this was how most people generated interest and connections. It seems things have changed, but I've no idea to what, or where I went wrong with that.

I've really struggled this year, not just because I've lost a lot of direction and the responsibility that was on my shoulders when I lost my Mum, but also because there's been an awful lot not right and missing in life and this endeavour has shone a light on some of that and in particular how few people I have in my corner. I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I try not to, even limiting my access to (anti)social media, but I still see other people doing things and having their friends, family and the people linked to those connections being very visibly supportive and I can't be anything but honest and tell you that it hurts quite a lot to not feel like you have that in your life. It's more painful when there's a light shone on that week in and week out. This is obviously just a very small aspect of my world and there's little point (other than the cathartic benefit) in sharing any more on here.

I'm relieved and glad that this is over. I don't think there's much future for "mixamorphosis" any more. At one point I could see a path forward with what I was doing around music but when life became heavily weighted towards my Mum, and then losing everything through being hacked several years ago, things have never clicked for me again. From 2009 to around 2014 the blog, followers, interactions were overwhelming, over the past few years it's like I never existed, never did nothing or helped anybody, contributed to nothing and finding that sweet spot to build has disappeared. Or if it's still there I no longer know where to find it.

I'm sounding like a broken record here, which is fitting because I do feel pretty broken, in more ways than just this nonsense. I could go on about loneliness, isolation, depression, anxiety, zero confidence, no real life interactions, physical aches and chronic pains but there's little to no point. I spend hours worrying about what to do, what to write, what I should or should not share, and ultimately it does not matter because for 45+ years my voice has not been heard and I doubt there's much hope for me to change that now. This project has kind of hammered that home to me and if I'm being totally honest, I've felt like burning it all to the ground and deleting everything I have online than I have felt like completing this. I'm a stubborn fool at times though and I'd have felt like I failed myself more than anything if I didn't finish what I set out to do, even though it's of little interest to anyone out there.

I've nothing else I can say now. After 52 weeks of this, it's not going to suddenly and miraculously grow arms and legs. I'll leave this here. #01 is a selection of music I have loved. I could have done this a hundred times over with thousands upon thousands of different tracks, but this is what came out as I felt it on this occasion. All I've ever wanted is to share music that has triggered a feeling, emotion, a movement, since I was a child it's been something I loved to do. That's what I've tried to do via my mixes, blog and posts through the years.

I expect I'll be posting less on Twitter and it may or may not be the last post here and on the music hosting sites, I doubt it matters either way. My voice doesn't carry.

Tracklist

01. From The Willowmeadow - Mayflowers (Self Released)

02. Alan Watts - Life Is Not A Journey (No Label)

03. Weyes Blood - It's Not Just Me, It's Everybody (Sub Pop Records)

04. Air - Les Professionnels (Source)

05. DJ Shadow - What Does Your Soul Look Like (Part 1 - Blue Sky Revisit) (Mo Wax)

06. DJ Cam Quartet - Herbie (Attytude Records)

07. Matthew Halsall - I've Been Here Before (Gondwana Records)

08. Kahil El'Zabar - We'll Get Through This (Spiritmuse Records)

09. Nina Simone - Backlash Blues (Live at Montreux Jazz Festival) (BMG)

10. Dave Brubeck Quartet - Take Five (CBS)

11. Guru ft. Roy Ayers - Take A Look At Yourself (Chrysalis)