What Now? (Part 1)

24 February 2021


 

I've written an opening paragraph and deleted it, written a better one and deleted that and repeated this process several times now. Truth be told, I don't know how to begin this long overdue blog post and as I type I don't really know the direction the post is going to take either. I really feel like I could just sit and type and splurge so much out in one large incoherent mess but probably best if I can try to avoid that. I guess what I've got down so far constitutes an opening paragraph. How about I post the player for a new mix I've thrown together first off, then take things from there? (I'll post the tracklist at the bottom of this post as I usually would do, and provide links wherever I can).


Although I did jump on to share an excellent mix from Tom Middleton via A Strangely Isolated Place mid-2020, it's been just over a year since I've even touched my equipment to put something together. I've continued buying music through the last year but the urge to share it in some mixes just hasn't been there.  I think it's probably reflective of where I'm at and the fact that it's been an exceptionally tough year for everyone. I doubt many people will catch this post let alone read this far, but for those that do make it here, I hope that you and your loved ones are healthy and coping with the situation we find ourselves in.

On a personal level I'd be lying if I said anything other than this; I'm not coping very well at all. Where do I go from making that statement? The answer is probably along the lines of "what does it matter?". The adage of speaking out and reaching out doesn't seem to count for much, at least in my own experience.

I think it fair to say that my current position in terms of mental health hasn't been helped by the loss of my Mum from complications around Pneumonia and her longer term health issues at the start of December 2020, but in all honesty things weren't good for a long time before that. I don't think it would be unfair to say that she really cheated death several times in recent years and did remarkably well to fight the difficulties that Multiple Sclerosis brought into her life. The past few years in particular were extremely difficult for her, not only dealing with losing all motor functions, relying on others for the simplest of tasks most of us take for granted, but also having a constant stream of infections that eventually became ever present and a deterioration in her cognitive capacity. Despite all that she did remarkably well to never complain and was always happy for you spending time with her, especially taking in some flowers to brighten her room, a wee cake and a coffee. I'm gutted to not have my Mum around any more but it's also a relief that she isn't having to suffer any more and on a personal level not having to watch helplessly as she deteriorated noticeably with each passing week.

The best part of a decade of my life was almost entirely centred around my Mum and the systems involved in providing care, and even longer on the wider impact it's had in other aspects of life. It really was like a full time job for much of that time. The thing is, nobody looking in would have ever known that to be the case. Even Mum didn't really understand the time and mental and physical exhaustion these circumstances brought (which is how I wanted it to be for her) and none of the agencies you'd hope and expect to rely upon were much support and often put more difficulties and hurdles in the way. As I type this, I sit and wonder what the point is. Nobody listened before, they're certainly not going to listen now, so I suppose I type this for my own cathartic reasons, although even that is scant relief.

I suppose the long story short is that a lot of the reasons for neglecting the blog (for several years in reality) should be fairly evident given what I've typed above. I'm not sure what the future holds in any sense right now, let alone this place which was always a costly labour of love. All I can feel at the moment is that I'm pretty lost, don't see any direction and can't see which way to move in order to address a lot of the issues that have weighed heavy over a number of years. I suppose keep a loose eye on here of on Twitter and you'll have a fair idea how that's going.

This mix was put together live with no planning at all other than having a loose idea of one or two of the tracks I wanted to include. It kind of fits with my mood where it feels quite emotional, almost heavy with it at times and is punctuated with the odd moment of hope, light and motivation. Despite the place that I find myself, there are people in a far worse position and I need to be mindful of that, grateful for what I do have whilst I have it and try to find something positive if even for the briefest of moments on any given day. I'm aiming to have a Part 2 done for this at some point which I want to take a slightly different form in terms of genre, whether it happens, or how long it takes is another matter.

Anyway, if you've made it to this point, well done for listening to my rambling and moaning. I've always said it's become a combination of being a music blog and a personal blog, so I suppose that's what we've got here.

As usual, if you enjoy any of the music on this mix, please buy the music and help support the artists and labels. If that support was ever needed, it's now. Until the next time, take care of yourself and each other.

Tracklist

  1. Kinder Scout - Interlude (Home Normal)
  2. Charles Bukowski - Go All The Way (Read by Tom O' Bedlam
  3. David Cordero & Miguel Otero - Dolores (Archives)
  4. Slow Meadow - We Can Only Love Through Suffering (Hammock Music)
  5. Agnes Obel - Stretch Your Eyes (Ambient Acapella) (Late Night Tales)
  6. Endless Melancholy - Lost (Hidden Vibes)
  7. William Ryan Fitch - VII: In A Sense Of Ether (Lost Tribe Sound)
  8. Sven Laux & Daniela Orvin - A Moment Of Silence (Dronarivm)
  9. Luke Howard Trio - I Think It's Sinking In (Lukktone)
  10. Yumiko Morioka - Moon Road (Métron Records)
  11. Owl - Glimpse Of Decline (Silent Season)
  12. Steven Kemner - Sleep Well (Facture)
  13. Olga Wojciechowska - To Feel Much More Than Now (Self Released)
  14. Daniela Orvin - Sudden Farewell (Dronarivm)
  15. SiJ - Memories Lost In Time (Hidden Vibes)
  16. A Veil Of Water - Frailty (Hidden Vibes)
  17. Brambles - To Speak Of Solitude (Serein)
  18. Warmth - You're Not Here (Archives)
  19. Hania Rani - Today It Came (Gondwana Records)
  20. A Winged Victory For The Sullen - All Farewells Are Sudden (Erased Tapes)
  21. Walter D Wintle - State Of Mind (Read by Tom O' Bedlam)
  22. Adrian Lane - An Occasional Hushed Word (Preserved Sound)

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